Remembering my junior year when I took pills because I thought my life was so difficult. And now my life is fucking insane. Well.

I feel like I’ve lost a part of me and just sit there feeling empty

(Source: laugh-until-you-drop)

I will forever be fascinated by this one story my mom told me about how she she was lucky enough to not go eat Chinese food and die. When she was pregnant with me she was going to go out to eat at a Chinese restaurant with my sister and dad when she started to feel sick. My sister and dad still wanted to go eat but my mom insisted that they just go home. There was a shooting at the restaurant they were going to eat at that night. There were no survivors and a pregnant woman was killed as well. That story always trips me out because that was seriously so close to being us.

I hate being stingy with my money. I’m saving for a car and now that I’m on my own I have to pay for college to. I don’t really qualify for financial aid because both my parents make bank. They could at least buy me a car I mean fuck. I have so much to think about and working minimum wage doesn’t help. Not to mention my shopping addiction that could quite possibly turn into a huge problem. I went to the Art institute the other day and applied. I already know I won’t be able to go this year. I think it’d be best if I got my 2-year degree and then went to Art Institute later for a bachelors in fashion marketing. Yeah. We’ll see. I might just move back to Europe or something. I don’t even know.

When I was little I did everything I could to be perfect. I played sports, I danced I wanted to be the best. All for my dad. He wanted the perfect daughter and I wanted to show him that, that’s just what I was. I hated doing those things because I didn’t do them for me, I did them for a simple hint of acknowledgment. This lasted up until I was about fifteen. By then I had realized that I was just different and there was know need to try to be perfect for someone who just wants to claim the title of a father when his child does something he can brag about to his friends. My sophomore year, I became an independent thinker. I started to wonder if my dad ever loved me and how sad my life was for having him in it. I did sports in high school and even though it got rough, it taught me a lot. And I didn’t do it for him, I did it because I was good at them and the anger built inside me made me better. Last night I had a dream that I got my hair done because my dad asked me to, (which has happened before) and when I got out he just ridiculed me for looking so hideous. But in my dream I didn’t let it get to me. I just walked away because that’s how pointless he was/is. Now I’m weird in others eyes. I dress different, my hairs always messy, and I’m into a lot of random shit. But it’s because I honestly don’t care to impress anyone. If I couldn’t impress my dad than why try to impress other people? That’s why I love my friends so much, I really do. They know I’m so strange, and that I have a bad attitude sometimes, but they accept me for everything that I stand for. I dig that.